eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
