if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We just shotgunned beers for America
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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