I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
