Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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