i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
