I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
