it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
