how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
