K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
