I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
