I only kidnapped one of them. chill
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
