So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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