just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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