I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
