were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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