You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
