all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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