I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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