Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
