I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
