when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
