Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I wish there were birth control emojis
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
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