You don't have asthma, your pregnant
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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