So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
