im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
