just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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