Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
