Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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