please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
