maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
