Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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