hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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