i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
