i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Everyone says I win the strip club
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
