Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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