But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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