Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
