I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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