I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
