wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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