The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
