I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
