You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
The air taste purple.
Randomize
