im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
