someone get that fucking seahorse.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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