We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
being pregnant is like rehab
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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