I CAN MOONWALK!
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
