dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
