Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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