I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
